5 O'Clock
If you ain't doin' what you love doin', you're losin'
Security's illusion created by institutions
To keep us movin' to the job, bank, and the store
A commonly accepted thus perpetuated war
And if what you're waiting for is opportunity to knock at your door
Then step it up, cuz it ain't like that no more
Sure, you can sit at home, rottin' away
But in your heart I know you feel there's something missing every day
That's me, summarized perfectly, care of The Perceptionists' "5 O'Clock" from their Black Dialogue album, one of a handful of CDs that have recently joined my collection care of Tower Records' going out of business sale and "70% Off Rap CDs" special. It's a great album, one I somehow overlooked last year when it was released.
This struggle to figure out in which direction I want to take my life has now grown to be an oppressive, omnipresent weight on my mind. I begin and end every day feeling frustrated. I sit in my office, all day long, annoyed at what a colossal waste each passing minute is. I don't hate my job, but have zero interest or enthusiasm for it. And it scares me to imagine what it would be like to spend the rest of my life like this. Last week in Nicaragua (yes, I know I've been slacking on the writeup) was so much fun, made me feel so alive - and this week I'm just back to the soul-crushing grind.
The question is, what do I do? If I want to switch careers, that most likely means getting another degree. If I want to do that in a reasonable time, I'd have to go back to school full-time. But the thought of attending classes, studying again, having no nights or weekends free anymore, not to mention the question of where the money to pay for it would come from, as well as getting used to having no extra money anymore, makes me cringe.
But what alternative do I have? I really don't see any. An example: one area I'd like to get involved in is artificial intelligence. Originally it was computer games' use of AI that sparked my interest, but now I'm additionally fascinated by the meshing of AI with deeper brain modeling concepts like consciousness, perception, and emotion. How can I get involved with this? Well, with no relevant programming experience, nor much knowledge of the foundations of traditional AI, and no relevant industry experience, what are the chances that any company or research organization would hire me even if I learned a language and some AI basics? Almost nil. A degree, and some academic research experience, seems to be the only way in.
I'm tired of not knowing what to do. I can't stand every day that passes and I'm still stuck in the same damn job, same damn environment, same damn waste of time. At this point I can't even imagine what it would be like to have a job I felt passionate about and actually looked forward to doing; the concept seems entirely alien to me.
Security's illusion created by institutions
To keep us movin' to the job, bank, and the store
A commonly accepted thus perpetuated war
And if what you're waiting for is opportunity to knock at your door
Then step it up, cuz it ain't like that no more
Sure, you can sit at home, rottin' away
But in your heart I know you feel there's something missing every day
That's me, summarized perfectly, care of The Perceptionists' "5 O'Clock" from their Black Dialogue album, one of a handful of CDs that have recently joined my collection care of Tower Records' going out of business sale and "70% Off Rap CDs" special. It's a great album, one I somehow overlooked last year when it was released.
This struggle to figure out in which direction I want to take my life has now grown to be an oppressive, omnipresent weight on my mind. I begin and end every day feeling frustrated. I sit in my office, all day long, annoyed at what a colossal waste each passing minute is. I don't hate my job, but have zero interest or enthusiasm for it. And it scares me to imagine what it would be like to spend the rest of my life like this. Last week in Nicaragua (yes, I know I've been slacking on the writeup) was so much fun, made me feel so alive - and this week I'm just back to the soul-crushing grind.
The question is, what do I do? If I want to switch careers, that most likely means getting another degree. If I want to do that in a reasonable time, I'd have to go back to school full-time. But the thought of attending classes, studying again, having no nights or weekends free anymore, not to mention the question of where the money to pay for it would come from, as well as getting used to having no extra money anymore, makes me cringe.
But what alternative do I have? I really don't see any. An example: one area I'd like to get involved in is artificial intelligence. Originally it was computer games' use of AI that sparked my interest, but now I'm additionally fascinated by the meshing of AI with deeper brain modeling concepts like consciousness, perception, and emotion. How can I get involved with this? Well, with no relevant programming experience, nor much knowledge of the foundations of traditional AI, and no relevant industry experience, what are the chances that any company or research organization would hire me even if I learned a language and some AI basics? Almost nil. A degree, and some academic research experience, seems to be the only way in.
I'm tired of not knowing what to do. I can't stand every day that passes and I'm still stuck in the same damn job, same damn environment, same damn waste of time. At this point I can't even imagine what it would be like to have a job I felt passionate about and actually looked forward to doing; the concept seems entirely alien to me.
posted by GregP at 4:42 PM
1 Comments:
The problem is, I've just got so much damn internal resistance to going back to school. I'm completely impatient right now. I don't WANT to put the time in at a university, I just want to somehow learn a new field on my own, very rapidly, and just make the change, NOW.
I'm SO ready to pour all my time and energy into ... SOMETHING. It's the defining that something task that's driving me nuts.
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