Vanilla-Flavored Milk Is The Devil's Drink
Whoever came up with the wholly unholy idea of vanilla-flavored milk ought to be hunted down and mercilessly tortured to death in public for unleashing this abominable creation upon an undeserving world.
Why do I feel such passionate hatred for a seemingly harmless consumer drink, you ask? Well, the explanation involves a completely reasonable and rational expectation of proper liquid accompaniment to a big chocolate chip cookie, and how that expectation was thoroughly trampled upon with the utmost offense. It goes like this:
Today I flew from Phoenix to Huntsville, with a layover in Dallas. On the flight out of Phoenix, I fell asleep and missed the drink service. When I woke up, I found myself extremely thirsty, possibly due to the loss of large amounts of drool that usually accompany my involuntarily open-mouthed style of sleeping on airplanes.
When I got off the plane, I quickly headed for the nearest food place, and found a Starbucks right near my gate (not only are they on every corner in every town in every city in every state in this country, they're also multiplying throughout airport terminals). I was in the mood for a big chocolate chip cookie, and Starbucks admittedly makes damn good ones - perfect size and perfect soft chewiness. As I looked around for a drink (I'm not a coffee drinker), among the few choices was milk. Oh nice! I thought. What better way to wash down a big chocolate chip cookie than some cold milk? It was even organic milk made by Horizon, to boot.
Paying for my cookie and milk, I hurried back to my gate, sat down and pulled off a corner of the cookie. Mmmm, nice and soft. After a few more bites, I opened the milk, inserted the straw, and took a long sip. Er ... what the ... ? Something ain't right; this is too sweet; did I get chocolate milk by mistake? How did I not notice that? Taking a close look at the box, I see, to my surprise and confusion, that this is in fact "vanilla-flavored milk". Come again? What the hell is vanilla-flavored milk? I take another sip; oh my god this is awful. It's as if somebody took a perfectly good cup of milk and added a sickeningly-sweet vanilla syrup to it. Just to make sure my mouth isn't deceiving me, another sip: oh yeah, there's no denying it, this is just terrible. It's so bad that we're now dangerously close to this milk ruining my entire cookie experience.
I put the milk down, continue to try to enjoy my cookie, and decide I'm not taking another sip until I'm done with the cookie and just need something quick to wash it down. Once the cookie's gone, I wince as I reach for the milk. Slowly raising it to my mouth, knowing that it's going to be bad, I quickly take a sip and swallow, so that the foul taste will spend as little time on my taste buds as possible. Again the syrupy-sweet taste assaults me, and at that point I decide to just throw the damn thing away rather than suffer through any more of it.
My chocolate chip cookie enjoyment had effectively been ruined.
As my plane was boarding, I didn't have time to get another drink, and to add insult to injury, my plane sat at the gate for a half hour due to bad weather before leaving, thus delaying the drink service even longer.
I just don't get why anyone would want vanilla-flavored milk. If you don't like the taste of either normal milk or chocolate milk, I'd suggest that maybe you shouldn't drink milk at all. At the very least, don't impose your disgusting made-up flavors onto an already perfectly acceptable product, and most definitely, do not, under any circumstances, ruin my chocolate cookie experience, or else When I Start Runnin' Things, there will be hell to pay.
Why do I feel such passionate hatred for a seemingly harmless consumer drink, you ask? Well, the explanation involves a completely reasonable and rational expectation of proper liquid accompaniment to a big chocolate chip cookie, and how that expectation was thoroughly trampled upon with the utmost offense. It goes like this:
Today I flew from Phoenix to Huntsville, with a layover in Dallas. On the flight out of Phoenix, I fell asleep and missed the drink service. When I woke up, I found myself extremely thirsty, possibly due to the loss of large amounts of drool that usually accompany my involuntarily open-mouthed style of sleeping on airplanes.
When I got off the plane, I quickly headed for the nearest food place, and found a Starbucks right near my gate (not only are they on every corner in every town in every city in every state in this country, they're also multiplying throughout airport terminals). I was in the mood for a big chocolate chip cookie, and Starbucks admittedly makes damn good ones - perfect size and perfect soft chewiness. As I looked around for a drink (I'm not a coffee drinker), among the few choices was milk. Oh nice! I thought. What better way to wash down a big chocolate chip cookie than some cold milk? It was even organic milk made by Horizon, to boot.
Paying for my cookie and milk, I hurried back to my gate, sat down and pulled off a corner of the cookie. Mmmm, nice and soft. After a few more bites, I opened the milk, inserted the straw, and took a long sip. Er ... what the ... ? Something ain't right; this is too sweet; did I get chocolate milk by mistake? How did I not notice that? Taking a close look at the box, I see, to my surprise and confusion, that this is in fact "vanilla-flavored milk". Come again? What the hell is vanilla-flavored milk? I take another sip; oh my god this is awful. It's as if somebody took a perfectly good cup of milk and added a sickeningly-sweet vanilla syrup to it. Just to make sure my mouth isn't deceiving me, another sip: oh yeah, there's no denying it, this is just terrible. It's so bad that we're now dangerously close to this milk ruining my entire cookie experience.
I put the milk down, continue to try to enjoy my cookie, and decide I'm not taking another sip until I'm done with the cookie and just need something quick to wash it down. Once the cookie's gone, I wince as I reach for the milk. Slowly raising it to my mouth, knowing that it's going to be bad, I quickly take a sip and swallow, so that the foul taste will spend as little time on my taste buds as possible. Again the syrupy-sweet taste assaults me, and at that point I decide to just throw the damn thing away rather than suffer through any more of it.
My chocolate chip cookie enjoyment had effectively been ruined.
As my plane was boarding, I didn't have time to get another drink, and to add insult to injury, my plane sat at the gate for a half hour due to bad weather before leaving, thus delaying the drink service even longer.
I just don't get why anyone would want vanilla-flavored milk. If you don't like the taste of either normal milk or chocolate milk, I'd suggest that maybe you shouldn't drink milk at all. At the very least, don't impose your disgusting made-up flavors onto an already perfectly acceptable product, and most definitely, do not, under any circumstances, ruin my chocolate cookie experience, or else When I Start Runnin' Things, there will be hell to pay.
posted by GregP at 8:24 PM
7 Comments:
This might possibly be the best post you've ever written. High-larious. Personally, I'm a big fan of chocolate and strawberry milk, Nestle Quick style if you know what I'm sayin'. Never had vanilla.
yeah, hmm, maybe you should ignore the comment on the previous post. This one is pretty good.
Well, it sounds funny NOW, but man, I was about ready to go punch some random unlucky person in the face.
Regading the vanilla, avoid it like the plague. I'm atheist, but I'm convinced the devil himself invented this horrible distortion of all that is good and right in the world of liquid refreshment.
regading?
Does Vanilla flavored soy-milk count?
you need to try vanilla flavored mmmmilks by shamrock farms. it tastes exactly like soft vanilla ice cream in a bottle and WILL make you take back what you just said in this post....i guarantee it.
You need to try 2% reduced fat vanilla flavored mmmmilks by shamrock farms. I kid you not...literally tastes like soft vanilla ice cream or milk shake in a bottle. Try this milk and I will guarantee you will want to erase this post.
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